The Ex Outlet

Are you thinking about online dating? Dating online can be exciting, but you must be ready for the unexpected. The blunt reality is that there are legions of married men or men just looking for casual sex who are using dating sites to meet women who think these men are seeking legitimate long-term relationships. These fifteen essential rules will help you date online in a smarter way to avoid a mismatch.

The following is an exert from Mismatch.com

Rule Number 1. Be honest about your age, size, and photos. You may think you’ll wow him with your dazzling personality but you’re simply wasting his time and yours if you lie about your age or send him a photo that no longer looks like you.

Rule Number 2. Don’t respond to winks or messages with no photos. If there is no photo, he is probably married or involved.

Rule Number 3. Be safe. Choose a neutral site that you know well and arrive first for the initial meeting so that your date does not see your car or license plate. Someone could easily track you down with this information. Insist that you walk yourself to your car, or, if you are at a restaurant, see if the host or hostess will kindly walk you to your car.

Wait until you are comfortable and confident that you know the man well before you give your last name. Definitely wait until you decide if you’d like to meet him again; the same goes for other particulars about yourself including your birth date and place of birth.

Though many people are giving up their home phone numbers in lieu of just one cell phone number, still ask for a HOME and work phone number, not cell phone. Why? He could be posing as something he is not and still be married or living with someone. The first time to his place, check the medicine cabinet and bathroom cabinets for “girl” items including tampons, nail polish, prescriptions with women’s names, etc.

Rule Number 4. Conduct a thorough Google search for his name, and establish a Google Alert for updates on his name. Of course, when you meet and every few months thereafter, do a quick but thorough check of his first and last name, as well as a search for his phone number and email address. Enclose “first and last name” in quotes such as “Brad Smith” or “Brad C Smith” as well as his phone number in quotes and, finally, his first name, last name and city, state such as “Brad Smith, Phoenix, Arizona.” This should reveal his address and home phone number. Also, do a Google search for his name under Web, Images, Video, News, and Blogs. You may be surprised what you’ll find.

Rule Number 5. When you start dating, date a few men for the first several weeks. And tell the men you date that you are dating others. You are not sleeping with any of them. Just dating.

Rule Number 6. Tell your friends you’re looking. Of course Match and other dating sites open up the possibilities but you have a much better chance of finding a bird of your feather from the flock that you keep. And the likelihood that he will treat you poorly drops precipitously if he knows his posse is watching.

Rule Number 7. Keep the first dates short, mysterious and dignified. Don’t bring up your exes, reveal your or your family’s dark secrets, complain, or interrupt - and nix this behavior in your dates. Don’t ramble on and on about your history, but rather do most of the listening. You need to be sure he’s the man who deserves your time and attention. Listen intently. Trust your gut: if you sense a red flag, gently find a way to explore what the guy is saying. Make a mental note.

Rule Number 8. Use etiquette when dealing with paying the tab. We must dispense with the idea that men are always expected to pick up the tab, no matter how much more money you think he makes than you. Here are some clear rules for who should pay and when:

If you’re interested in seeing him again, let him pick up the tab with a promise that you’ll get the next one, or vice versa. This gives him an idea that you are interested and not expecting him to always pay on future dates. A simple sincere smile while saying, “Thank you. I’ll get the next one,” should suffice.

If you’re not interested in seeing him again, either pay half or pay it entirely. This is a classy way of bowing out of further encounters without sticking him with the bill. It’s important to let him know during or immediately after your first encounter that there is no spark for you by saying, “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you but I just don’t think we’re a good match.” If you know a single friend who may enjoy getting to know this person, let him or her know this.

If you’re interested and he does not seem to be, let him pick up the tab or split it. A classy way to know if he wants to meet you again is to say, “Should we split the bill and say it was nice to meet you, or should I pay this time and then you get the next one?”

If you’re both not interested, split the check and say, “I think we’re both not interested in pursuing this further but I appreciate the time we had together and I wish you all the best.”

I promise this is the biggest contention among men: women still have a sense of entitlement when it comes to men paying for the date. In sum, the vast majority of women who date have jobs and should be paying an equal part of the date, even if he makes more than you. You may not like the guy, but you’ve still got class.

Rule Number 9. Take your time. How many times a week you see him is up to you but don’t feel pressure or succumb to flattery if he wants to see you every day. Men are hunters, and you are a conquest to him at this point. Make him earn time with you.

And pay attention to his patterns. On the other hand, if there is a distinct pattern of having to work late, business dinners that last well into the evening, disappearing on yet another weekend “business trip,” then something’s probably up. Tell him that either he creates a more balanced life or you’re not interested. The priorities that you set when dating will most likely become the priorities you establish as a couple.

Rule Number 10. Dating means going home alone. No sex with any of the men you are dating. Yes, this will be the most difficult thing you’ve done in your dating life. When you go home alone, call a friend. Read a magazine. Take a bath. Make a quiche. Do anything but sleep with him. If he bolts after a date or two with no sex, then you’ve answered your question about whether he’s the right guy for you. The good ones will wait until you are ready and respect you more for getting to know you first.

Rule Number 11. Wait. You really should not jump in the sack until at least three months of dating. You can’t demand he doesn’t sleep with others when you are not sleeping with him, but make it clear that you’re not sleeping with anyone else while you are dating.

Rule Number 12. Establish a timetable. This is a tricky and challenging topic for some men but if marriage is your goal, when you finally jump in the sack, be clear that he has six months (or twelve, or eighteen, depending on your preferred pace in developing relationships) to decide whether or not you will be engaged. Whatever you decide: No more, no less. Be clear, be concise, and then don’t bring it up again. Ever. This is the most important rule – to be clear to men that there is a specific goal in mind. Once you have set the parameters, enjoy and savor your growing relationship.

Rule Number 13. Break it off when it’s time – no excuses. At the six- or twelve-month mark, if he does not propose to you, you must walk away with class and dignity. No angry rants or coy hints. Just quietly tell him over dinner that you will need to move on with you life to fulfill your dreams. Don’t tell your family and friends how strong you are and then contact him every day. No contact. Move on.

Rule Number 14. Be independent and yourself. If you’re a giving person, give. If you’re into cooking, cook. If you’re not into cooking, don’t cook but make great reservations. If you’re busy, stay busy. If you’re not into sports, don’t fake it. Don’t turn yourself into a human pretzel, bending yourself and faking who you are just to be with a man. Date enough men to note your preferences and what works for you. The success of a healthy and long-term relationship is to have your own life and to be a pillar, standing strongly on your own. He needs to be independent, too, while building a bridge of mutual interests and passions.

Rule Number 15. Family matters. Immensely. The way he treats your friends and family is very important. If he is cold, indifferent, or not eager to spend time with them, without trying to get to know them first or isn’t considerate of your requests to get to know them, then run!

There you have it. The new 21st Century Rules for Dignified Dating. I am pro-marriage, pro-love, pro-women who treat other women with respect, and pro-men who know how to respect a woman and commit to her. Let us make some changes around here. Let us regain our dignity and respect.

Sarah McCue, PhD is the author of Mismatch.com: The Disastrous Effects of Online Dating. What We Can Do To Bring Dignity to Dating in the 21st Century. Available online at Amazon or at her website.