I knew it the moment we looked at a map of Pennsylvania, we were going to be something. Sparks flew, there was chemistry. I was only working a 4 month rotational assignment, but that didn't stop me from falling in love. He was someone I never met before. he was from New York, but spent a large part...
I knew it the moment we looked at a map of Pennsylvania, we were going to be something. Sparks flew, there was chemistry. I was only working a 4 month rotational assignment, but that didn’t stop me from falling in love. He was someone I never met before. he was from New York, but spent a large part of his life in the Midwest. His mother was Colombian, he grew up speaking Spanish first, though if you took one look at him you would never know he was half Hispanic.
He was smart, had quiet confidence and had an amazing sense of humor. we were drawn to each other. I was about to leave my job when he finally asked me out. We met up on a Sunday and on the bus ride after the date he kissed me. I knew it the moment that kiss was over, that I was doomed. Here i was 10 years younger than him, knee deep in work and about to leave and I was falling in love with someone I spent months getting to know. We both fell fast and hard. We started long distance. When a year went by, I made the call to move back to that city to be with him. We had a bond. He also had a child during graduate schooling years before- one night stands can leave real reminders in the end.
She is the greatest thing i have ever had the chance to meet and be a part of raising. I moved there to be with him, we moved in together. He was so excited to decorate and make our place our home. We had dinner parties and long nights eating on our couch watching bad tv and small time movies. Then the talk of getting married came up. I knew in my heart, he was the one. We just clicked- our relationship was solid, we were drawn to each other. He talked to my parents about what type of wedding we would have, right down to where his family from Columbia would stay. Those talks over that Thanksgiving I will never forget, I really felt part of someone for the first time in my life. That the risk of moving somewhere, getting involved with his daughter, it was all worth it.
Then Christmas came and like the season changing, so did he. He started to withdraw, started working really late hours at the office. He got moody. He admitted to me finally over many egg-shell conversations that was he scared, terrified of getting married. He didn’t know if he actually wanted to do it. I felt my heart go into cardiac arrest. I decided that it was OK, breathe , you will be fine. He will get past this, they always say winter is the toughest time for couples. I said we don’t have to get married yet. If you aren’t ready, let’s just see when it feels like you are. He said ok, but it wasn’t the same.
He kept withdrawing, we had some epic fights about nothing, nothing at all. I know every couple says that when they breakup, but in the thick of it, you feel like you are stuck in quick sand. We both were suffocating from his fears. We could see the shore, but were literally stuck in the quick sand. Valentine’s Day came and instead of going out, we had dinner at home. Things had been so tense, I bought him a sweetheart gift, hand lotion- his knuckles would always get so dry. He knew how stressed I was with this tension that I was shouldering- mostly alone. I thought for sure he would get me flowers or something. Dinner came, i got him his gift- it sat there awkwardly on the table. He had nothing. I knew then we were a breath from being over.
I said to him this has to change, or i am done. All of the love and time and energy. The family we built together would come crashing down. Thankfully things had changed. We went away for our anniversary in March. But that one fateful night in April on a Tuesday after i made him pork chops, he told me he couldn’t do it anymore. He was unhappy because he didn’t think he would ever get married. I sobbed, I cried, I pleaded with him to not do this. I demanded he un-do all of this mess he created with his fear. He said he couldn’t.
About two weeks later i moved out. The day I had to sign the lease, I felt like a zombie, I handed it to him and asked him not to let me sign the lease. When the pen hit the paper, he didn’t stop me. Life became nothing after that, jaded, colorless and tasteless. I tried for months to get us back together. My rage came over, so many nights i would storm the door of our old apartment. i would go in, we’d yell at each other, cling to each other and in the mornings would slip out and on my walks to my new apartment think how I either made it worse or there was maybe a glimmer of hope.
I can’t believe how strong my shoulders are- taking on all of the problems and the pain and hurt. It’s been almost a year since we broke up and I am nowhere closer to being over the loss nor are we closer to putting it back together. I go for long walks and often find myself on my old apartment door steps, the same building and apartment number he still lives in. Living in those memories. i don’t know how he does it. He cries to me that he is making a mistake, but he doesn’t think he wants to be married but cannot give me details on why.
My friends and family think I need to ignore him and maybe that silence will put him over the edge and make him come back. Or maybe that time apart would make me forget this horrible disaster.
I am not sure what to think or do, anyone relate?
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