First off this may be a long story. But, it was worth telling, and you might learn a thing or two, so I thank you from the start for reading. It all started at the end of High School. That is when forever my outlook on life changed. Before that I was carefree, living the dream of any teenager. A hundred friends, a dozen parties, going from girl to girl as I pleased. I had a ton of memorable parties at my house that will never be forgotten. I was quite a ladies man. High-school was business, and business was great. I couldn’t ask for anything more. Except for one thing. And that one thing is what has forever changed me, for good or for worse.

I never had a ‘real’ girlfriend. I dated a few girls for a couple months here and there, hooked up with girls for short periods of time, but never got serious enough to truly feel any feelings of remorse after it came to an end. I got my fair share of action, in fact more than one would expect from someone never in a serious relationship; but hey, that was high school for you. However, as much as I was considered to be a man of many ladies, I never lost my virginity. And I didn’t care. I was waiting for the right girl. Believe it or not, I believed in true love, and I had no idea what it felt like, but I knew it was out there. So there I was, 17 years old, end of senior year. It’s not that I never wanted a serious girlfriend, it’s just that it somehow never materialized. But the thing was, I was completely and totally fine with that. I loved everything life was offering me and had no complaints.

With graduation and the end of senior year, I had a lot on my plate. Everyone from high school started hanging out more and having more parties, the seniors grew real close, and I had my best friends that I hung out with that never even went to my high school. And we were killing it. So I really had a lot to do and getting ready for the exciting new world of college was one of them. And then, I met her.

Like every other girl that came and gone, I never put all my eggs in one basket. In fact at first, I wasn’t even that attracted to her. Don’t get me wrong, she was beautiful. I just never thought about it. She was a friend of a friend’s, just another female met through the grapevine of parties and social gatherings. We talked and became friends; nothing more. I never even considered hooking up with her. It was summer, and I was enjoying it. Me and my best friends were hanging out with a group of girls, and we were having a lot of fun with them. I had a crush on one of them and was hooking up with another so that certainly didn’t facilitate things. Point was, I didn’t need to look elsewhere, and I was quite tied up.

Anyways, summer came to an end. Slowly but surely everything slowed down, like they always did for me. But something inside me told me it was time for a real girlfriend. I have always wanted one; I just never fully pursued it. I don’t know exactly what it was; I guess my time had just come. I was invited to a party in late September, I will never forget this. It’s when I realized she totally had a thing for me. We wound up hooking up (kissing). We were both completely giggly over it, and about each other. You know, that feeling that you get when you’re driving home alone, and you just can’t stop smiling. A month later, I asked her to be my girlfriend. And that is when EVERYTHING changed.

I was lucky enough to lose my virginity to a person I truly loved. Most guys didn’t care, but I wasn’t most guys. When I look back now, I am so glad I will always remember every detail of it with someone who was a virgin as well, and loved me just as much as I loved her. There’s a difference between getting lucky, and considering myself a lucky guy, and I am grateful I got to experience the latter. The truth is, she doesn’t know she was my first, although I’m not positive. I didn’t lie to her; she just assumed differently because of some rumors with another girl before her, and at the time I was embarrassed to admit it anyways. We don’t speak anymore, but if she is out there reading this, I want you to know how much it meant to me. I will never forget it, and I hope neither will you. Anyways, moving on. I fell head over heels for this girl. In less than two months of us first getting together, I was in love. Deep, true, not caring about nothing or no one else type of love. I knew it was it, and it was. I never felt this way about anybody in my entire life, and she was the greatest girlfriend a guy could ask for. She made it so easy to love everything we had. And that’s what made it so hard. About 10 months into our relationship, we had to break up because of her mother. What we concluded was she was basically going through a mid-life crisis about losing her oldest daughter. She knew how much she loved me, and as a mother, it scared her. We tried everything possible to see each other. We tried every way possible to talk to her mother. Everything. For months. But, she just wouldn’t have it. She ruined the most amazing thing I have ever experienced, and ended it prematurely for me. And, after a while, it was just way too much of a strain on our relationship, and we had to end things. I will never forget seeing the girl I loved cry the way she did when she realized it was truly and finally over. It was the first time I ever cried over a girl. First time I ever cried in front of someone other than my parents. First time love turned into first time heartbreak. And for some reason, I took it so unbelievably bad. And my friends could vouch for that. I think it was because I found something so great, so amazing, that I never wanted to be without. And that my friends, was Love.

That’s when things first started to go sour. Summer was coming around again. And instead of the happy go lucky summers I was used to, well, lets just say it was a dark and twisted mix of lost love and drugs and alcohol. That was my way with coping with it. After all, I was 19, and this was the first time I experienced this. I didn’t know what else to do, and I was old enough to get what I wanted, when I wanted. It took the edge off, made me forget what I was missing for a couple of hours. (Let me clarify, that I did regular street drugs, nothing crazy). One night, I took things too far. By myself. If it wasn’t for a close friend’s help, I don’t know what would have happened to me. What an idiot I was. I actually truly thought I never was going to love again. I thought that was it, that was my chance at happiness, and someone fucked it all up for me. Why shouldn’t I be angry at the world? I stopped caring. I stopped caring about myself, about my future. Funny thing was, I hooked up with 14 different girls that summer. All I remember was the number. You ask me who, where, and I have to sit and think. It was all one big blur. Any other summer, that would have been awesome. But, I never was so depressed in my life. I never knew I could hurt so bad, I never knew you could miss one person so much. I also never knew you could love again. And the events that happened next are the events that truly changed my life and left me feeling the way I do today. This first love lost must have only been a test of character, because my next experience was tenfold, and so sadly concluded my learning of true love, and you will come to understand why it has changed my life forever.

So, where does one go from here? One with experience knows you have to be strong and eventually something good will happen again, when you least expect it. One without thinks it’s the end of the world. And like I said, I thought the latter. God must have saved me because I met a girl shortly after the summer came to an end. I think it is partially because I cleaned my act up and stopped messing around. I was finally able to meet someone. Did I care at all about this person? No. Was I over my ex? Not in the slightest. But I had no choice to move forward, even though technically I wasn’t ready for it. But I knew dating someone new would at least help me take my mind off of it (and her). When you think about it, it’s almost kind of messed up, but these days, I see girls go from boyfriend to boyfriend in literally a matter of days. Yes, days. So it was a good 6 months since we saw each other last which isn’t all that bad after all.

My friend John decides one night, to have a little shindig at his house. He lives right up the street from me. So there we are, in the midst of late September, at a little house party, figuring it’s going to be the same people, the same girls, when I notice a beautiful girl in a neon green shirt playing beer pong downstairs, who, for some reason or another, I’ve never crossed paths with before. There was a bunch of girls I’ve never met before at my friend’s house that night, her and her friends, which was extremely surprising, but well done by my friend John. They were merely girls from his school, the grade below his, probably why they never invited them out before. Someone wanted to get with someone probably. Anyways, she immediately caught my attention, and right then and there I knew I had to talk to her. So a little later I go outside for a smoke, and who happens to be outside by herself having a cigarette as well? We immediately get talking and immediately hit it off. She was very sociable, flirtatious, whatever you want to call it, I got the vibe she was into me. We kept up the flirting and talking all night, and then after smoking her up and some intimate backyard conversation it was time for her and her friends to get going. She took my phone and put her number in it; always a great sign. In fact relieves all the stress or awkwardness of having to ask for it. Then says how we should totally hang out sometime. So, whatever, I took it for what it was, but for the first time in a year and a half, felt like this was something I wanted to pursue. She fit the bill of a girl I would typically date, seemed like she was definitely into me, half of the process is over. So, I pursued. And it wasn’t easy. She was a unique girl in many ways and not the easiest to read. I found out she was there that night because one of my friends wanted to hook up with her but after we clicked that went out the window pretty fast. We became good friends, texting, IMing, talking on the phone. But things moved very, very slowly. She was very prudish at the time and only hooked up with a few guys despite her beauty and personality. I was still hooking up with other girls here and there, but constantly pursued her. I met her family, we went to six flags together, spent Halloween together, New Year’s Eve, and very slowly went from kissing on the cheek to kissing on the lips. And then eventually kissing, after 3 months. Many people don’t know this but she actually asked me out. It was January 3rd and I had planned to wait about another week or so to ask her to be my girlfriend, when she asks me to come by. She comes out, gets in my car, looks me in the eye and says I realized something this morning when I woke up. And I said what’s that. And she said, I realized I want nothing more than to be your girlfriend, because I realized I want to be with you and I don’t want to lose you. I was shocked. Filled with joy, but completely in shock. So I asked her if she would be my girlfriend, and that was the start of 4 years of a very “unique” experience to say the least.

Don’t get me wrong; it was the best 4 years of my life. But, we were one of those couples who were very deeply in love and passionate about it; and when things are that passionate there’s usually a lot of things that can turn into arguments very quickly. So yes, we bickered a lot. We loved the hell out of each other, but fought a lot. Sometimes it was little arguments, sometimes it was huge arguments, filled with so much anger and hate; but they would all end the same, with one of us breaking down to the other and immediately falling back into each other’s arms before the night ended. I don’t think there was ever a time we went to sleep mad at each other, because, well we just couldn’t. “They didn’t agree on much, in fact they rarely agreed on anything, they fought all the time, and they challenged each other every day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common; they were crazy about each other.”

Some people may not understand. But when you feel so strongly towards someone that it consumes you entirely, you get addicted to the feeling and you can’t let go. As we both got a little bit older and started maturing more, we stopped fighting as much. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that bad at all. We were the best of friends, and we didn’t go one day without seeing each other. Not one day. By choice. Even if it was for 15 minutes. And we had everything in common. Had the same music on our iPods, literally, watched all the same movies and shows, had the same friends, liked all of the same things. In fact there wasn’t much difference at all. We were so alike and practically shared everything you possibly could in common with one another. The actual relationship was extremely romantic, passionate, and sexy. We never held back anything. I was the most in love I have ever been in my entire life; in fact I didn’t see any way possible I could love more than this. And that may be true till this day.

There was a point in our relationship, maybe about two years in, when I thought to myself, how can I ever live without her. It just literally didn’t seem possible. In fact it scared me so much I tried to shake the thought of it and just focus on what I have. It didn’t seem like we were breaking up any time soon. We made plans to move in together, plans to get engaged, all of it, we both wanted it and made it very clear. She was the best 4 years of my life. And then one day, out of the clear blue, she left me.

She gave me a million reasons and excuses why she wanted to end things; but none of them seemed to make sense. I just didn’t understand; I literally couldn’t comprehend. In fact till this day, I don’t think I will ever know the real reason why she broke up with me. Every reason she gave me she seemed to contradict herself over the next few months by being with someone else and it was just all bullshit to me. I know it was and I know I would never get a straight answer. After that were some of the hardest months of my life. It was so hard to just live. Just going on without her seemed impossible. 4 years I was used to this person with me every day, used to talking to every day, and everything that came with it, every single damn day. Then, there was just nothing. Nothing at all. Everything that was good in my life felt like it completely disappeared. I wasn’t new to heartbreak, but I was new to it being this extreme. But, since I went through it before, I guess helped a little. The first time is always the hardest, even if it wasn’t a 4 year relationship of the truest love you’ve ever felt.

That’s when I started to truly believe nothing lasts forever. And it made me feel hopeless. So, I eeked on, with by god my friends there to pick me up and keep me out and about. I met a beautiful girl that summer, and we hooked up for about a year, never really taking it into a relationship for reasons I rather not get into. But we pretty much were together and I guess would say it was just one really long fling. Even though I didn’t feel much for her because I wasn’t over things. But it was okay, we both never gave each other 100% willingly, and were on the same page about how this was going to be. However it was great to have someone to get my mind off things and someone to talk to, etc.

It was actually kind of a weird relationship, but it worked. I mean, we bought each other gifts for Christmas, spent birthdays together, the way I look at it is she was literally one little step below a girlfriend. We had all the good of a relationship with none of the bad. And since my head wasn’t straight, and she had her own things going on in her life, it kind of worked out perfect. Eventually, you do start to love someone after spending so much time with them, and I did fall for her. We had some really great times together, and had a lot of fun. It was definitely something great. But, for some reason, it wasn’t the same, ya know. So we continued seeing each other, me and my ex-gf were actually still on and off a little until the end of fall, then, never spoke again. But soon as summer came around, a good 8 months later, like clockwork so did she. She calls me up telling me how much she misses me and how she can’t live without me and how she doesn’t love her boyfriend like she loved me. The sucker I was, I fell for it, I let it happen. I ran right back to her.

When I look at it now, I was such a naive fool for trusting her with my heart, again. We hung out the first half of the summer, she wound up screwing things up for me and the girl I was seeing, and after about 6 weeks, never spoke to me again, till this day. She told me she had to go on vacation with her ex-boyfriend to Italy because it was already payed for and blah blah and she was gonna end things with him after that. I believed her. And I’m not a fool. But she truly made me believe it. Well, she went to Italy, and, I never heard from her again. Ever. And the good 10 months I had under my belt of getting over her were immediately erased, and I was back to square one, where I left off a year ago, alone and miserable. And the girl I was with wanted nothing to do with me because my ex screwed that up for me by coming back in the picture. So, that’s when I had to be on my own and finally get over someone just by yourself, without anyone else. It was a hard road, but I manned up, and eventually got used to the pain. You see, I never really got over her. Like I said, I never loved anyone as much as I loved her. So it never really went away. It never does. You just get so used to it being there that after a while, you start to become numb to it. It’s still there, buried down deep you can feel it. From time to time the person pops in your mind or you have a moment where you wonder if they ever think about you the way you think about them. But after 2 years, you would think not. Especially she had someone to get over me with. I had to make it on my own. And, I did. But not a day goes by I don’t think about that girl. I truly believe she was the love of my life. I hope someone eventually proves me wrong, because so far no one has been able to.

I dated here and there and got into the whole bar scene after this for the first time. I hated it. 2 years after, I did find someone. I did fall in love with her. But, it wasn’t the same. And that, well is a different story altogether. I’m now 26 and single, and feel like I’ve lost so much in my life. I wanted to be married by 25. But, I guess our plans don’t matter. Life has it’s own plan for us. At least I hope it does.